Don't Be Gay
by D McVetty
Summary: Kyle is having some troubles with his thoughts about Stan, so he gets some help from an unlikely source. Light Style. T just because its South Park.


**title ; **Don't Be Gay

**chapter ;** I'm Super!

**characters ; **Kyle, Big Gay Al

**setting ; **7th Grade

**rating ; **T for swearing, sex referenes, and general South-Park-ness

**disclaimer ; **I quite obviously do not own South Park or its characters

**disclaimer 2 ;** I do own what is written here, so please don't steal it

**author's note ; **This sounded like it would be pretty fantastic. I mean... It would happen. Kyle's POV, but you should be able to figure it out by the first paragraph.

* * *

I wasn't confused for the longest time. I knew who I was, what I wanted, and where I was going. My family may not be the brightest family, and we never know what's 'new' or 'in style.' but they've always been supportive. Its not like Kenny's family, I suppose, and for that I should be thankful. Sure, my mom is kind of insane and she's almost killed everyone in South Park before, but she's really loving. I mean, she adopted Ike. And Ike's a Canadian. Its pretty selfless of her, to be honest. My dad may fantasize about Courtney Cox, and he watched Stan's dad masturbate in a hot tub, but I hear all men do that. So are we normal?

No.

I've been really confused lately.

Not the kind of confused Butters was when he got sent to that gay-reform camp (That was just stupid). The kind of confused where I _should _have been sent to that gay-reform camp.

You see, I've been harboring these impure thoughts of Stan.

And I _really_ don't want to upset my family, especially not my mother.

So I've been ignoring Stan for the past week, and its really just getting worse.

Everywhere I look, there's Stan. Staring at me from all those super-gay pictures on the wall, pictures that we took in third grade, pictures of Cartman sleeping and us drawing on his face, pictures of all the crazy adventures we've gotten into. If I open my computer, I'm reminded that my password is _BFF4EVR, _which is so obviously a tribute to our lasting friendship. Every night when I fall asleep, I look at my ceiling and think about all the times we've tried to figure out what the cracks look like.

So I had to enlist the help of someone who knew what I was feeling. I had to go to the gayest source of gay in all of South Park.

I had to go to Big Gay Al's Big Gay Animal Sanctuary.

I hated that place, but guess where I found myself one quiet Thursday evening?

"Hi, Kyle! Welcome to -"

"Yeah, I know I know," I said in irritation, waving him away. It wasn't that I wanted to be rude, it was that I didn't want anyone to know I was there, and with his big mouth, that was going to be impossible.

"Well, what can I do for you, little buddy?" Big Gay Al asked, all concern and helpfulness, like he always was.

It made a homophobic homo sick.

"Big Gay Al, I just have a question," I said, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. He had helped us all once before, but he had mostly dealt with Stan.

"Sure, what is it?" he asked, sitting on the steps, crossing his leg over his knee.

"How do I.. Stop thinking about people _that way_?"

"I don't know if I know what you mean," he said, somewhat perplexed. "What way are you thinking about them?"

Fidgeting for a moment, I looked at my feet, then to the sky. "_That way_," I stressed again. Then, after a moment, I said, "You know, _impure_."

Big Gay Al took it all in for a moment. I could really see his Big Gay Brains moving in Big Gay Harmony as they ticked over my Big Gay Question.

How much gayer could this day get?

"Well, Kyle, those kind of things aren't really meant to be suppressed..." he said. "Why are you so upset?"

I stared at the flamboyant man and sighed. "I don't know," I sighed, sitting on the steps and putting my chin in my hands. "I'm just really confused."

Suddenly, the man got it. Sighing, he said, "Kyle, we cant chose who we fall in love with. That would be silly. Now, I suggest you go with your heart."

"But my heart says _'Jump Stan's beefy bod,'_ and my head says _'no way, dude.' _How do I combine that?" I asked, throwing my hands up in defeat.

Big Gay Al smiled at the thought. Apparently it was funny to him, my suffering. So I turned away and scoffed, and he sighed again. Apparently he got this a lot. I wondered if anyone else from South Park had asked his advice. I bet it got old.

"Well, I think you need to weigh your options," Big Gay Al finally said.

"What _are_ my options?"

"Well... You can be happy?"

"Sounds good."

"Or you can be miserable."

"So what one is what?"

Patting me on the back, Big Gay Al smiled warmly. "Its up to you to decide that for yourself."


End file.
